man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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