1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
