I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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