The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
