Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
