Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
