there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
