just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
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