Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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