I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Randomize
