just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize