I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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