Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize