My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
