sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Randomize
