Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
