i may or may not be watching the land before time
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
