There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I have fence marks all over my body
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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