fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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