Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
