My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
