Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
