Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
