Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I think your dad took our porno
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
