Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
