did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
This beer is not sobering me up at all
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Randomize
