i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
