My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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