I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize