I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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