the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
