oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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