This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
