I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
