3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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