I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
