Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
