I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Randomize
