I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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