sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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