I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
