Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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