My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize