im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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