i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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