you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize