do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
