im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
