i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Randomize
