well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize