some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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