you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
