i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
