The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Jerry, you need to find god
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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