I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
