____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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